Hollywood Dirt

The other night, Mark and I finally decided to watch one of the movies we had stored up on the DVR.  We both thought it looked interesting, but afterwards were wondering what we had just watched.  In honor of being disturbed, I am now compiling my list of the worst movies ever made.  These are the ones that I wonder, what the Hollywood exec was smoking to spend money on it.  But also, makes me think that there are a few too many roaming Hollywood needing a psych exam. 

I am going to categorize these films, into stupid chick flicks and then more serious films, only because I sort of expect my chick flicks to be cheesey and campy, but once the cross a certain line, there's no going back.  So let's dive in shall we.

Serious Films:

Alpha Dog:  Yes ladies, I know Justin Timberlake was in this film, and I love him too, but no amount of JT was going to save this film.  Also, I get that it's a real life story, but not every real life story should be saved for all posterity on film.  I mean did I really need to watch Ben Foster take a crap on some guys carpet? (ruined my fond memories of him as Tucker on Flash Forward.)  Did I really need to bear witness to a bunch of rich kids, who had nothing better to do with their time then sell drugs, and then let a kid die because his brother messed up?  I get it, there is a lesson in this movie, but really I could have just opened my Bible and read anything Jesus said and gotten the message.

History of Violence:  Now I do realize this is a controversial entry.  I get it, it was a graphic novel, and it was stupendous, but maybe if I had read this novel I would have actually gotten the point of this movie.  I mean did I need to see Viggo Mortenson's character violate his wife on the stairs?  Not so much.  I really didn't get the point.  Yes, he used to kill people and decided to go for a more domesticated life, but I really didn't get anything else beyond that.  Maybe I am just stupid, or perhaps and more likely, I was too distracted by him attacking his wife on the stairs to even care what was going on.

The Box:  The movie that started this whole list into motion.  I thought it was going to be a story about a moral dilema and the consequences.  A couple is given a box by a mysterious stranger and told if they push the button they will recieve a million dollars, however, someone they don't know somewhere in the world will die.  I thought this could be intriguing, but by the time unseen aliens who are testing human beings were brought into the mix, and we were having mind control brain hemmoraging that caused nose bleeds, I really was just wondering why.  Why take a movie with so much potential and ruin it with aliens, and a Steven Spielberg rendition of salvation? (I don't believe he actually played any part in this movie, the guy just loves aliens.)  Afterwards I felt disturbed and wondering who approved this garbage?  They could at least do us all a favor and file it under sci-fi thriller.

The Weatherman:  You knew Nick Cage had to make an appearance somewhere, and well, here it is.  I guess I am naive because I actually thought this was going to be a movie about a weatherman, not a film about a perverted loser.  Let's just say he worries a little too much about how tight his pre-pubescent daughters pants are, and not in a child molestor way, but I didn't need to here the inner thoughts of his character on this one.  I understand playing darker roles make you a more serious actor, but honestly this was a terrible movie, with nothing in it to make it worthy of my time.  I don't need to see a loser, who's divorced try to get some and here his inner monologue on top of it.

I Know Who Killed Me:  Oh if I could take back seeing this disgraceful film.  I didn't want to see it the day I walked into the theatre, but a group of friends peer pressured me into it, and since I didn't have my own car, they won.  This film stars Lindsay Lohan, as a twin, one a good girl who likes to flirt with the gardner, and the other a stripper.  They've been seperated at birth.  Well good girl gets kidnapped by a serial killer, and it gets weirder as we move along.  They mistake the stripper twin for the good girl, and it is the stripper who finally decides she needs to find her long lost twin.  Sometimes we see child stars transition to adult films by taking characters that they feel show they are grown up.  I honestly believe Lindsay wanted to show that she was grown up now and could do stripper and sex scenes.  Well as we can see now, growing up wasn't the best choice for Lilo.  What makes me hate this movie even more besides the ridiculous plot line, is that Julia Ormand signed on for this after years off to raise her family.  I mean this is what you chose to use as your vehicle back into films?

The Happening:  We've all seen that M. Night has been losing his touch with each movie he makes.  This was I guess his call for all of us to wake up and take care of mother earth, because she is getting pissed, and if we don't the plants will release a neurotoxin that will make us all kill ourselves.  I was very disturbed after watching this.  I honestly felt that M. Night just wanted to come up with as many ways people could commit suicide and film it.  I get the green cause, but to go this far to ingrain it in my head is a bit much.  I mean coming into a town where everyone had hung themselves from the trees, or watching the implications when a man lays down in front of a running lawn mower, just disgusting.  And my favorite thing is the wind being the villian.  We must outrun the wind.  Umm good luck with that? 

The Village:  Yet another M. Night film.  Many might disagree with me on this one, but more or less I found it stupid, and for a scardy cat like me to find it not frightening at all says something.  Plus it was more or less a poor remake of "Of Mice and Men."  I mean that's what this movie adds up to.  And really when we pit Steinbeck, one of the greatest word smiths against M. Night, we know who wins.

Jumper:  I'm not really sure if this is a serious film, I mean it does have Hayden Christenson in it.  This probably could have been an okay movie, but Hayden has a particular way of ruining almost every character he has played, except the ones who are supposed to be whiny ( Stephen Glass in Shattered Glass, and the druggie kid in Life as a House).  The whole movie just took itself too seriously, and was just so so bad.

The Chick Flicks:

Honey:  Let's start this one off by agreeing that yes, Jessica Alba is an attractive gal, but she cannot act.  I get this is more of a teeny bopper film, but Save the Last Dance was good, as was 10 Things I Hate About You, or to go for a non Julia Stiles film, She's All That.  This film just felt too contrived.  I am going to believe that Jessica Alba is this crazy amazing dancer, I mean the movie didn't really showcase anything worthy of that.  Plus the director of the music videoes looks like Mr. Scheuster on drugs.  Then they have noted choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson as a not so great choreographer?  It was just so stupid.  Then we have the whole Mekhai Phifer problem.  Mekhai is super hot, and a great actor, but every now and again he choses horrible films.  But hey maybe he just wanted to kiss Jessica Alba, I know many men who wouldn't blame him.

Valentine's Day:  I know it was in an earlier blog, but of course it had to come back.  This was such a waste of space on my DVR.  The characters were miscast, made no connection, but that was mostly because there were just too many of them.  It just goes to show, you can shove as many A-listers as you want in a film and it doesn't make it good.  Plus the Two Taylors, I mean it didn't get worse than that waste of film?  Cut them out and the film might have improved and nothing would have happened to the storyline.

Crossroads:  I hate to admit I saw this film, but I did.  I was in high school and my best friend Marine and I decided what the heck, let's go see this little Britney Spears nightmare.  Another horrible storyline.  She wants sex, but then she wants to wait until it's meaningful, which will be with a stranger she meets while on a crosscountry trip to find her mother.  Her one best friend is pregnant, and of course has the best voice coupled with stage fright.  Meaning the Britster is going to have to come out and save the day singing, and also simultaneously ruin a Joan Jett song.

Maid in Manhatten:  When this film came out I was excited to go see it with my mother and sister.  About 15 minutes in I was so over the cliches I was trying to lasso either of my viewing companions with my sweatshirt.  I get that it was Cinderella, but in this day and age, with all the Cinderella stories we have had, if you are going to do it, perhaps give it a new take a la Ever After.  Don't give me every cliche in the book and think it will cut it.  Also, I am upset that a notable and great actor like Lord Voldemort...I mean Ralph Fiennes would agree to this garbage.  The man has won Oscars, and then signs up for this dribble?

From Justin to Kelly:  Oh yes, I did just admit that I saw this American Idol film.  Luckily it was free on HBO, I didn't waste $10.  This film was horrible story, horrible acting, and cliches every which way, all laced in songs to showcase our Idols.  It was horrible.  It was like a horrible remake of Beach Blanket Bingo, minus the Frankie and Annette magic and Von Zipper.  I felt this was honestly Seacrest's idea, I mean the guy is everywhere, and I just can't see Nigel Lythgoe coming up with this idea.

So there you are.  The movies I still cannot believe were actually made, and also that I sat through them.  There are of course more, but for timesake, these are the ones that made the final cut to this list.  A shout out to my PIC Delyssa, who helped me remember all of the movies she and I have ever complained about.